One man, in his own words. - The Nice Guy Reformation Decree?

This entry may look a little weird in format, because I was using Google Documents to produce it, which is a very useful app for people like me with sporatic attention spans that need to bring up projects from anywhere, at the spur of the moment.

This Craigslist post was brought to my attention by a friend, and I was asked to take my opinion on it. I decided to dissect it methodically,but in a little nicer way than the guy in this blog, So here we go.
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"What Happened to All the Nice Guys?"

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

Her, and years of watching cheesy romance movies while listening to sappy love songs that gave an unrealistic viewpoint on romance.


See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a
Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd
tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a
movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit
there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the
(other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

Yeah, and you probably wondered why every situation you thought to put yourself in to get laid, without making it seem like you wanted to just get laid (because that's what the jerks do, and I know you really genuinely liked her), got you squat.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was
a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to
get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they
thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly,
a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings
for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just
friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little
too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to
dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall,
good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with
such ease.

Most likely, my friend, this scenario was a product of your own conjuring. She probably saw you as "just friends" because all you did was "just friends" things. You never made it clear that you had more than "just friends" feelings for her, so the thought probably never crossed her mind. You never dropped hints to her (or at least not in a non-passive aggressive way) that you thought she was had it "going on" and wanted her to be your boo and whatnot. Also, if she was genuinely fond of you, then she probably just enjoyed your company with no ulterior motive (unlike yourself). Besides, if you held all those negative attributes (and she was such the manipulative, judgmental bitch you make her out to be), then why would she even take the time in the first place to make some sort of significant personal space in her glorious social life for you?

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with
the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy
was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren't dating him. More time
passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring,
or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the
kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now,
you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several
months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder,
"What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

So instead of being the nice friend you said you truly were, you decided that since you weren't getting ass out of it you would sulk and mope, instead of either accepting it or (once again) fighting for the girl of your dreams. And when things went wrong for her, a period of vulnerability where you actually could have gotten in good with her, you were too busy moping and becoming all "heartless cynical jackass dude" to realize it. But you still probably planned and dreamed for those several months about how she was going to come to your doorstep on a rainy night, soaking wet, mascara running, saying "I'm sorry! I was a fool! Now make sweet, passionate love to me to make me feel like a woman again!" just like the last movie you received in your Netflix queue.

Damn you John Cusack.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without
reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his
consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend
more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint
and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that
women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make
dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned,
in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when
you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he
wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that
you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money,
and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

It would have been easier to just say that you realized that women aren't mind readers, and you actually have to speak up to get a woman to notice you. Just because you bought her that Amy Winehouse CD, or boiled some spaghetti and put some sauce on it doesn't mean her clothes would automatically come off at the end of the night. And logically boyfriend trumps the "just-a-friend" when it comes to who a person would rather have sex with. You never gave her a choice, because you never said anything.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate
rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the
complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that
you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of
nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.


So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

And after all these years, you still are waiting for her to call, most likely. That's why I advise you to take your own advice, buddy. Always focusing on the chicks that did you wrong will really allow you to miss the really awesome chick that is probably right around you that wants to hook up. But of course you can't see that because you yourself have your head up your ass. Let it go and move on.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a
nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have
matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be
in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed
his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism
and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So you changed your look, and read all the books that guaranteed you copious amounts of poon , and she still didn't even look your way. So your glorious Jenny Jones Show moment of "Look at what you could have had, baby!" failed. So yeah. you go trolling the college campus bars for young impressionable girls to satisfy your thirst for conquest to build your fragile self-esteem. (That my be a bit harsh, but probably true.)


So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the
fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all.
It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want
a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

She's probably found a decent enough guy that isn't so jaded and douchebaggy to be with. She ain't comin' back dude. And because of all your incessant passive-aggressive resentment, you probably lost a good friend long ago. Too bad.


Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

Because being a nice guy was like having VD, or something.
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I really do understand where this guy is coming from. I have actually BEEN this guy a time or two (went through the same process with a few "girl-friends"). On REALLY bad days... I still am this guy.You just have to realize that sometimes you miss your shot by not letting her know what the deal is. Again, people in general aren't mind readers. You can't sit there with "I LIKE YOU! I LIKE YOU! I LIKE YOU! BE THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN!" running through your head, and expect them to pick up on it all of a sudden.

I've learned that you have to be proactive to get the girl. At least to get her to notice you. It's a crap shoot, whether or not she reciprocates the feeling,but that's the way you gotta take it. Get shot down, patch up the bleeding heart with a few drinks and a spin or two of a Morrissey CD, then move on.

What's really disappointing about this entry is that I have realized this at a fairly young age, and this dude is most likely a good five years older than me, and still doesn't get it.

Ah well. Some people. That's just my take on all that.

-Leon